When I was growing up, being a pimp or a player was the vibe. Every time you turned your head, there was a song glorifying having multiple people. You had 50 Cent with P.I.M.P., David Banner with Like a Pimp, Jay-Z with Big Pimpin’, and Ludacris talking about Pimpin’ All Over the World.
And don’t even get me started on the Playboy Bunny era… baby, that thing had a CHOKEHOLD on me.
So much so, I tried to give myself a Playboy Bunny tattoo on my ankle (don’t ask… just know I was committed). I used to swear up and down that when I got older, I was going to get the real thing. Thank GOD for growth.
Then my cousin had this big ol’ necklace that said Playa Material… and listen, I made that my whole personality. I went to school telling everybody, “Yeah, I’m playa material.” In my head, I had created this whole fantasy: me walking around in a pink fur coat, my chain shining, and a lineup of fine men just waiting on me like I was the prize.
In my fantasy world… I was THAT girl.
But real life? Whew. That’s a different story.
I didn’t grow up seeing healthy, loving marriages. I didn’t have examples of “this is what real love looks like.” Yeah, I saw the fairytales on TV, get married, have kids, ride off into the sunset, but that didn’t feel real to me.
So I told myself, maybe I’ll have a couple kids… but marriage? I don’t know about all that.
Now let’s be honest… I DID want love.
But it wasn’t just “I want a boyfriend” type love.
It was deeper than that.
I was looking for the kind of love I didn’t get from my father.
And instead of healing that… I went looking for it in men.
My friends used to clown me too.
“Dang Shy, you in love AGAIN?”
“Weren’t you just in love last week??”
And I’d laugh it off, but they didn’t understand what was really behind it.
They didn’t understand what it feels like to crave a father’s love… and not receive it the way you needed.
To have a father who chose the streets over you.
That kind of hurt doesn’t just go away. It shows up in your choices.
So, after heartbreak after heartbreak…
After being let down by men…
After losing two exes…
I told myself, yeah… that happily ever after thing? Not for me.
(Unless I married into a Mexican family and got unlimited Mexican food, love, and an amazing family dynamic, then we could talk)
But BABY… God said, “Plot twist.”
One day, this fine light-skinned man I had been watching for a minute finally came up to me at a party and asked for my number.
When I tell y’all I already had my eye on him… LISTEN.
I sat behind him in church.
Stalked his Facebook (respectfully).
Saw him at school and tried to catch his attention… nothing.
But in my mind? Oh, he was already mine.
And when he finally noticed me?
It was OVER.
Love at first sight… no exaggeration.
Now did I think that would turn into marriage?
Absolutely not.
Did I think I’d be pregnant four months later?
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
But life said, “Here you go.”
And in my head, I put that man in a headlock like, “You gone marry me or ELSE.”
(That’s not exactly how it happened… but that’s how I remember it, so we’re sticking with it.)
Fast forward… we’ve been married over a decade.
And listen, it has NOT been perfect.
It’s hard going from playa material to wifey material. That’s a transformation, okay??
But one thing I can say…
God knew exactly what He was doing when He put us together.
Because what we have?
It’s real.
Now here’s the REAL moral of the story…
(Not “don’t hate the playa, hate the material”)
Life does NOT always go the way you imagined.
And sometimes, the biggest mistake we make… is looking for love in people when we haven’t learned how to love ourselves yet.
I was out here looking for someone to fill a space that needed to be healed from within.
I should’ve been asking myself:
What am I lacking within me that I keep trying to replace with someone else?
So, if I can leave you with anything, it’s this:
Stop searching for pieces of yourself in other people.
The love you’re looking for?
It starts with YOU.
Once I started choosing myself…
Once I started doing the inner work…
That’s when everything shifted.
Life may not go how you planned.
People may not love you the way you need.
But that doesn’t mean you’re lacking.
It just means… it’s time to pour into yourself and become everything you’ve been searching for.
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