The Girl Who Thought She Had to Change
If you had asked me ten years ago who I trusted the most, I would’ve probably pointed you straight to my church family.
Not because they were perfect.
But because they became my family.
We had game nights. Cookouts. Birthday parties. Christmas’s. Random evenings spent at our Pastor’s house laughing until we couldn’t breathe. When you grow up feeling like you don’t really have a village, you’ll hold onto the first people who make you feel like you belong.
And that’s exactly what I did.
The funny thing is… I wasn’t a church girl.
I wasn’t raised in church every Sunday with a Bible tucked under my arm. My Aunt Sharonda used to take me when I was little, but if I’m being honest, I wasn’t there because I wanted to be. I was there because she made me go. I was usually fighting sleep or wondering how much longer before we could leave.
So, when I found this church years later, everything felt new.
Everything I learned about God came through the people there. My pastor was my very first pastor. Every lesson, every scripture, every understanding I had about faith was shaped during those ten years.
I was young.
I was immature.
I laughed too much.
I dressed how I liked.
I was still trying to figure out who I was.
Looking back now, I realize I walked into church believing God wanted me.
Somewhere along the way…
I started believing I had to earn that love from God.
I remember constantly feeling like I wasn’t enough.
Not modest enough.
Not mature enough.
Not spiritual enough.
It felt like there was always another lesson I needed to learn before I could finally be “good enough.”
And because I wanted so badly to belong…
I changed.
Little by little.
I dressed differently.
I acted differently.
I talked differently.
I conformed.
I became smaller.
I started measuring my worth by other people’s approval instead of by the woman God had already created me to be.
Even my relationship with God slowly became more about trying to do everything “right” than simply knowing He loved me.
I thought if I could just become the version of myself everyone celebrated…
Maybe then I’d finally feel accepted.
The saddest part?
By the time I thought I had become the woman everyone wanted…
I didn’t recognize myself anymore.
Somewhere along the way…
I had lost the girl I used to be.
And I had no idea that losing myself was only the beginning…
Because the hardest part wasn’t changing who I was.
The hardest part came when the place I called home no longer felt like home.
In Part 2, I’ll share what happened when my safe place stopped feeling safe… and how everything I thought I knew began to fall apart.
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